What am I supposed to do now that I’m lost? Maybe finding the map of the path that doesn’t exist might help me getting somewhere in the anything, nonexistent space between the stars. And then, getting in the way where stars collide and make stardust, source of our dreams, our poetry and our sadness.
I left this side of me a long time ago, but I guess now I need it, one again. Butterflies went on and safety suits went missing. I’m scared again, and writing has become for one more time my refugee, my shelter for the storm, the place I can hide and everyone can see my burning flesh without hurting me.
Escapism is an art, which I haven’t dominated yet, and never will. Pale skin, fine rows of assorted fears and panics. My universe will collide once more, now creating darkness and broken stars. But I hope someday it will reborn from stardust and glittery shaped glasses, torn and melted from years of empty experiences.
Sky will be home to my heart and galaxies won’t be able to move until I am. Planets will orbit and disguise as asteroids by the time I’ll be passing by. Storms and sparkles will shine with my permission and you won’t regret allowing me let this happen, because from my fears and phobias I will raise the courage to rise myself once again.
Writing with the ink of my soul, made of the universe hidden inside your empty eyes, where your soul used to be I’ll rewrite this story. I shall be someone different, someone new, just like a baby star, recovering from ashes and shit the Universe gave her.
Work, yesterday, two in the afternoon, dead hour, nothing to do, nothing to work with. Bored as f*ck. The office is running without music because the radio is old enough to stop working with the considerable amount of reasons. Yeah, I know, this office is still playing a typical 90′s office —with some this-century-stands and products, but the structure is the same—. The atmosphere was killing me softly.
There was nothing I could do: I had forgotten my book, my bag, and the Internet was working so slow I think with the telegraph I could have sent a message to the whole world faster, enough they would have known I was agonizing before I was dead. I decide to go upstairs, where my dad’s office is placed.
I see my beloved teal and black bag where I keep my tablet when I am working. I thought I had forgotten it, but I didn’t! Sat down and with the tablet on my hands I started searching something to do to kill the time until I was assigned another job inside this dead office. I found I had seven new notifications in Draw Something, decided to get more coins I played all the seven pending hands and the two new ones.
Then I fed my vice with Flow, this addictive and so simple game of joining the same-colored-dots. Let me say I first downloaded it for my little cousin, I didn’t really know what was the app about, or how hard some levels are. But well, I finished the first pack with all the stars and started the Bonus Pack. Yes, I enjoyed it.
And then I got tired of joining dots and drawing, so I started jumping in and ancient temple with a clumsy guy. Clumsy because I never got more than a thousand points. That player sucks. At least I laughed at him all the times he fell down or was eaten by those horrible monstera which are part of my deepest nightmares.
Switching from game to game I drowned my battery at the twenty percent, but there was enough juice still for another match at Mancala. Oh boy, how I love that game. I was on my second winning match when my aunt came in the room yelling at me that I was supposed to be working, not playing, that I was being payed for working and bla, bla, bla. I was really upset because my aunt stays on Facebook every single hour of her so called “work time”.
But anyways, I was so distracted by the fact I was caught playing at work, when I was suppose to be working with something imaginary that I forgot the fact I was sleeping. My head fell from my hand, which was aching badly from the heaviness of my dream. I practically hallucinated, it was so confusing, I don’t really know whether it happened or not, I don’t remember it exactly as it happened.
Now I know I must not play at work, but f*ck it! Today is my last day here so I’m doing what I want know. well, not exactly as I said it, I’m taking it chill to start enjoying my brief vacations. Yeah, senior year starts in one week and I don’t even have my books. I’m going off, let me find those unfindable bastards.
Write to you later.
-JTL
The dead hours, the time between noon and three o’clock in the afternoon. The time no customer come to the store and the sales drop to the Bikini Bottom and go with SpongeBob to the Krusty Krab. Yes, I know, SpongeBob is way to far from here, but anyways.
I have come to the conclusion all the business have dead hours, don’t they? I have experienced the same phenomenon in some other stores. Yeah, and specially for me that my job ain’t that hard because of it being paperwork, which can be done in half an hour. And my aunt took to place at the front desk so I won’t be answering phone calls either. Well, inspection cards is my official job here, and without clients, what cards will I do?
There’s nothing to do here and I’m dying of boredom. Oh look! There was a pigeon outside the building! —Oh God, I’m so bored even a pigeon distracts me, ugh.
Ok, I must go now, I’ll see what I’ll do with this dead time. I see if I can catch a nap.
-JTL
I thought I’d never have this little space between papers to blog about something. My friend Victor posted something so damn nice on his blog that inspired me to do this I’m doing right now: blog during the free time at work.
Yes, I’ve been working and since I started my mind has been so busy I partially forgot blogging. This summer I’ve been working with my dad at his office and I have to admit its not as cool as some people say. Not that I don’t enjoy working in the family business but, you know, one always has higher expectations. And it’s our job to keep them high enough but keeping in mind reality is not as easy as we plan it in our heads. I can say I have not written stuff on paper because doing so much paperwork makes me sick and, seriously, I could not stand another piece of paper on my hands.
But this job has not been bad at all, as it keeps my mind fixed on other stuff I don’t need to start overthinking to kill my boredom. And it has made me realize the huge amount of things we have to improve at the family business. And yes, they are inside my brain yet, but they will be out and working someday in the future, improving the archaic system they use here.
Oh, and this has involved me more than I have expected on my grandparents’ wedding anniversary, which is next month. I’m working on the photos slideshow, scanning really old pictures of them —I have to say my granny was really beautiful when young, not that she’s not now but, you know what I mean.
And, yes, this is what I have been doing this summer.
Oh! Wait! I haven’t told you about my experience with my Mexican team-mission-work. That’s amazing!
It would be in another post.
See you later.
-JTL
This is the time to see all your friends going places you’d wanted to go before you go to the college. This is the time you should use to get a summer job to save money for the university. This is the perfect time to find a three months Greek lover and remember it for all your life –this is just a serious joke–. And don’t forget about traveling abroad and exploring new things.
This post junior and pre senior young boy talking sh*t here can’t complain about anything. I got a –not so fun job– in the familiar business. I got some presents from my godfather and an unexpected guest from Mexico. Yeah, that’s much about it. I’m spending the first half of this new month working with these guys from Mexico and I can tell it will be so fun to experience.
Oh, this is the time to get your stuff done because next summer won’t be a holiday at all. I always keep in mind to enjoy these vacations as the last ones –because they are–. Read all the books I can, explore new music, watch all the series in the Sidereel tracker. Let’s see if time allows me to do all this stuff, plus retake the drumming lessons I have forgotten because my neglect.
Oh, and learn new things, before school consumes all my energy sucking time and filling my brain with what they call “general knowledge”. Time to drain all that tiredness caused from last school year –thanks the Lord it’s over–. Time to go all those concerts –which I havent done and won’t do, and hate myself about that–.
The last summer begins and it’s time to rediscover ourselves. Time to got deep inside oneself and see what’s being missing or what’s not needed. You know clean our souls from all that garbage we use to collect during all that time without thinking about our deep and lonely selves. Time to find who we really are and who we do want to be, and not what others want us we want to be like.
So, what’s this summer time to you? Mine is all that crap above and more. See you on a next and –I hope not that sporadical– post.
With love JTL
Come to the dark, where I cannot see the skin that envelopes you. Come to the soulless space between you and me, which I cannot decide who makes it soulless: whether you, or I, or both. Don’t escape that soon. The surprise will overcome us. It will be overwhelming. Don’t hesitate, don’t even worry about what’s happening next. Next isn’t here yet, and next is infinite.
Don’t speak. Don’t even utter a word, don’t even think about it. You don’t need to explain this. Neither of us understands what is it about. Let the moon arise through your eyes and let the stars shine in your freckles. The ocean will be on your back and the high mountains on your breasts.
Your mouth will be home to the forsaken kiss and your nose, volcano to the eruption of blood. Your face will be the haunted forest we never lived in my dreams, and myself, the reckless explorer of the Nothing, were we hide.
We won’t need to escape from it. It will be our home. The wild will be home to us. The sun will set as your tongue set inside my mouth. And this will make our night, this will make it, until the sunrise. We don’t have much time now, so let’s go, I invite.
OK, so my first three days of vacations started, or at least that is what my mind makes me think. Yes, I still have to go to school tomorrow (actually today in the morning) in order to be told whether or not I passed the finals with success —or not that successfully way, but just passed the finals—. And you may say that’s nothing to be worried about but, I’m the kind of person who gets worried about small things a lot.
And I ask to myself: should a guy like me worry about failing a subject which each of the months grades were kind of successful? Or should I worry because everybody tells me I should not be worried about that kind of stuff?
And here’s the point of this. I don’t want to be the guy who’s called the smartest of the class —ahem, excuse me, modesty if I didn’t use you— when I don’t feel that way. And don’t confuse this with some low self-steem problems I don’t own. I just want to clear bits of misguided info people got about me.
I’m not perfect. I’m just like everybody else! Maybe I got some skills or stuff, but, HELLO, everybody got its fort. And I don’t want you to feel I’m an arrogant guy —that I can sometimes be, I know the first step is the negation, bla, bla— but when you’re a multiple-skilled person, sometime you feel you’re not good at some specific thing and that makes you feel useless because people with a centered skill will develop it and will get noticed because a single skill, and because those people use it with all their energy.
And yeah, it worries me to be this way, because I —yet— cannot fix my goals to a single thing but a group of things. So, when I finish talking it doesn’t even make sense! See, right there, it didn’t make sense.
So clearing up things, I don’t like being called a genius —because I know a couple of geniuses and I am way too far from being one— and I hate being the one who’s always got the answer of everything —people surrounding me believe I’m the one to be asked everything and everything will be answered—, maybe I just got the answers to a couple of things that are sometimes needed at an specific time and place.
So, coming back where I started, I should be sleeping now, I have to —ugh— wake up again as in school time to go and check if I passed or not.
Sweet dreams to the ones are coming with me to the space of nowhere in our heads where everything’s possible but reading because we read and dream using opposite hemispheres of our brains. And good rest of the night for those who will keep their journey through the night.
With fondness:
-Juan
